In the fabled win of glitter,
Golan, Globus, two producers,
Crudest Hollywood traducers,
Said, “We’ll make a star of Norris.
If he joshes when he punches,
Then his fans will come in bunches.
They will titter while they jitter.”
Much like Ovid, less like Horace,
They gave old Chuck a girl.
They called it “Firewalker”
And they gave good Chuck a chum,
Louis Gossett — Tweedledum.
These three search for Aztec riches.
El Coyote might oppose ‘em,
But hale Chuck can dese and dose ‘em
(He’s a fighter, not a talker).
And he’ll scratch her where she itches,
As romance, it doth unfurl.
Cast the girl| Who to use?
Melody Anderson| What a build|
What a cupcake| How cream-filled|
Since he’s quite the martial artist,
They could call on Chuck to do,
Barroom-, kung- and cornfield-fu,
His own stunts, to save some sous.
Because gold is where the heart is,
In a movie made by trolls.
Let the critics shoot their arrows|
In a style categoric,
Let them call it paregoric.
When it comes to Aztec booty,
Golan-Globus knows a buck –
They just give the people Chuck|
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Just like Sydney Biddle Barrows,
One can rise to public duty.
Why give the swine a pearl?
Why the ulcers, making pictures?
It’s so easy watching dailies,
For industrious Israelis,
Like a Globus and a Golan.
You just romance one more stone,
Make a Steven Spielberg clone.
Making shoes or making kitsch is
The same for those so sold on
Resoling others’ souls.
“Firewalker” is rated PG and contains violence and sexual themes.